notes by Sel

Sometimes what haunts you is nothing but life itself…

…and I guess in a way that’s the beauty of life? Don’t get me wrong, I do miss when my only fear was related to spiders, heavy metal t-shirts, or not getting any toy during Día de Reyes, but as one grows old, fears feel more intimate and close to us.

What do I mean by this? Well, the fact that you realize life changes in ways that remind you about the fragility surrounding time, relationships, and careers, and sometimes, we’re just not ready for them and much less know how to navigate the waves.

However, for some reason, my thirties have brought a new set of horrors that have settled in just as if they were home. Fears and horrors that I’m learning to navigate, appreciate, and live in. If the list resonates, I’d love to know how you manage them.

Not knowing who I am outside my professional career.

I’ve been unemployed for the past four years, in which I’ve been figuring out what to do next. From content creation to writing, I’ve been coming up with projects that will eventually fill the space my career left.

Have I thought about going back to my PR life? Yes, but also, I can recognize that even that move wouldn’t bring me the identity I so desperately aim to find. I spent so many years focusing on becoming “someone” within the workforce that now, when I am no longer part of it, I struggle to know who I am and what makes me myself.

Having forgotten how to enjoy old hobbies.

I feel like this is related to one above. After spending many years behind a desk, I forgot to just enjoy my free time and decided to rest instead of being curious. This has led me to a point in life where I don’t know how to enjoy or even find things that take my mind out of its constant state of overthinking.

My parents are getting older.

This is a thought that had never crossed my mind until recently. Due to life happening, I was forced to experience the fear of losing my parents. The universe has blessed me with a healthy pair and I don’t think I had fully processed that loss is inevitable and will happen eventually.

I’m not sure I’ve made peace with it but in a way, when the day comes, it will not take me off guard. Perhaps it sounds silly, but being more aware of that reality gives me comfort.

Friendships go.

Is there such a thing as “friends forever”? I sure hope so, but I’m starting to think that perhaps most of the people we meet and call friends are meant to stay in our lives for a season or until we learn from the lesson they carry with them.

Now, just to clarify, I do have friends I am super close with, but sometimes I do want to understand why friendships fade. And maybe that’s the part that scares me the most. It’s not the big fight; it’s the silence: the message nobody sent, the conversation nobody started, and a friendship that ended without anyone deciding it should.

Maybe what haunts us in our thirties is just proof of how much there is to lose. I don’t think these fears ever fully leave, but I’m learning to let them stay without letting them run the house.